Belonging Doesn’t Happen Overnight

Building a Civilian Life That’s Rich, Real, and Yours, for Veterans and Their Families

One of the biggest challenges when leaving the military, for veterans and their families, is that you don’t just walk away from a role or a posting…

You walk away from a ready-made community.

That sense of belonging, purpose, connection, the feeling that you’re part of something doesn’t always travel with you into civilian life. And rebuilding it isn’t instant. It takes time. It takes consistency.

Often, in the absence of that community, people throw everything into work or just focus on getting by. The pressure to succeed, to hold it all together can push out the space that once held friendship, laughter, shared meals, or time to just be with others. Without people to walk alongside us, life can become very small. And lonely.

It’s a bit like moving to a new country…

You don’t know the cultural codes. People behave a bit differently. You miss the shorthand and humour of the old world. And if your first impressions are negative, if you withdraw or shut down, you miss the richness of what’s possible.

I say this not just as someone who’s worked with transitions, but as someone who grew up in the world of many transitions. I went to nine schools, lived in more houses than I can count, across three countries and countless English counties, north and south. That kind of uprooted life leaves a mark.

As a military child, I learned resilience early but let’s be honest, resilience is often just a survival mechanism. I developed brilliant social skills, saw parts of the world many people never do, and made friends with all sorts of people, quickly. But it came at a cost. I never stayed long enough to feel safe or stable. It became far too easy to just pack up and move again.

Even after we left the military, that pattern followed me into adulthood, “The next place will be better. I’ll be happy there.” Until eventually… I stopped running. Mostly from myself, by then.

Finding Home

I was 29 when I met my husband. We bought a house. And I stayed. We’ve now lived in the same place for over 15 years. That house is my anchor. I tell you now: I will die in that house. My children won’t move unless they choose to. They’ll stay in the same schools, grow their roots, and have the stability I longed for.

Of course, there were pros and cons to my upbringing. I am who I am because of it. But it also showed me why belonging matters so much, for all of us. We all need somewhere and someone we can call home. Somewhere we can come home to ourselves.

Try Stuff You Normally Wouldn’t

Your new community might not be other military families or veterans. It might come through a class, a hobby, a sport, a local event, something that feels awkward or outside your comfort zone. You don’t know what you like in civvy street until you try. And sometimes… you won’t like it. But sometimes, and this is the magic, you’ll be glad you went. You’ll meet someone. You’ll laugh. You’ll feel the tiniest flicker of: “I could belong here.”

Don’t Let Your Life Stay Small

Growth is uncomfortable. You’ll have to shed old skins. You’ll feel awkward and out of place. You’ll hear that inner voice telling you not to go. Don’t listen. Go anyway.

I’m 45 now, and I didn’t grow up where I live. I moved here in my 30s with no ready-made network. But over time, through being curious, showing up, getting it wrong, trying again, I built community. One that feels meaningful to me. And it’s still evolving as I evolve. Nothing in life is stagnant. And it took years. It took vulnerability. It took showing up to things I would have avoided before. And now, when I look around, I feel it: I belong here.

Final Thought

Technology and support services can offer guidance and structure, but the feeling of belonging comes from something deeper: real people, real connection. Please go out there. Meet people in the flesh. It might feel weird, but that’s where life happens, in the awkwardness, in the unknown, in the realness.

And don’t believe everything you see online. People are good, even if they seem like dicks on the internet. (Some of the people I love most? I don’t like their online presence one bit. 😂) But if you look, really look l, you’ll find your tribe again. This isn’t just about veterans. It’s about all of us who live in the aftershock of transition, building new lives, one small connection at a time.